That all-too-familiar pinch inside, somewhere between my heart and stomach, tells me christmas is around the corner.
i can't possibly stress how much i hate this time of year. it's like an extended, deeper-cutting valentines day. all this emphasis on being with people you love and who love you, being with family and friends, all this togetherness shit that's supposed to happen that always makes me the exception.
one of my favorite customers came in today and while talking she mentioned how she wasn't a fan of the holidays because of the commercialization of it all. i told her i also hated the holidays and passingly mentioned that it was mostly my family's doing. she told me that before i know it, my family will be gone, life goes fast, and someday i'll miss them.
i understand what she's saying, i definitely can see how that applies to most people.
i already feel like my family is gone, mostly because they were never really here with me. sure, there are maybe two or three people that i think might care for me as i for them, but for the most part i serve as some middle ground between cautionary agnostic tale, the punchline of a joke, 'hey, move', and 'hey get me this'. the holidays just highlight all that and make me live through it more than any other time of the year for a whole month. it wouldn't be december if lauren weren't fucked up from the inside out.
i remember years ago on christmas eve i had been trying to get along with everyone here and eventually, after being snubbed a number of times and a few jokes had been pointed in my direction, i slipped away from the crowd and hid in my room and cried. i don't remember how long i was there but i remember someone eventually came in to look for something and told me it was time to open presents. and i remember thinking i couldn't care less, that i didn't want to be there anyway and that all i wanted for christmas was for once to not feel so goddamn alone.
but that a long time ago and i was young. not that that story has changed at all. but, by now i've come to accept that that's how the story goes every year. i no longer expect to feel any different come the holidays, so, maybe that's a good thing.
this year i have a release though. i have my own fortress of solitude to stay in, and my dog. my appreciation for mans best friend deepens every day, he's the only one that loves me unconditionally, and he's the only one that i can depend on, and i love him more than i love people for it.
yes, someday my family will be gone. i don't know if i will feel any different. i don't think i will feel any more alone than i feel now. if anything, it might just be quieter. it bothers me that i don't have that connection to someone, something that seems so natural and necessary for everyone else is just missing or skipped me. i wish i had someone i felt i could talk to but i guess the way i see it, why bring others down into this pit with me when others have things they can stabilize themselves on and hold onto.
