Don't bullshit yourself into thinking that you're an exception, because that can be looked at as a positive thing, when done right. I believe that we like talking about ourselves because we really don't know ourselves as well as we'd like to. Sure we may know what our favorite colors and songs are, but the deeply buried thoughts that may contrast make us feel like maybe we're a little more complicated and twisty than we thought. Talking about myself, about what i observe and can surmise from that, is something i have to do because i learn a little about myself each time. I get a glimpse of lauren being lauren when she isn't looking. I do a lot better writing about everything because i've always been better at expressing myself in written words than spoken ones. In fact, i kind of suck ass at talking, so i often struggle to convey exactly what i'm trying to say to someone, the few i will tell things to.
Another straight fact is that i am not a people pleaser. I'm not trying to say that i'm too cool to talk to other people or that other people just won't understand me, i know i am not that much more special than others, we're all of the same pool....but i've just never felt the need to bend over backwards for people who weren't in need. I have never liked it when i knew people, and a few people come to mind here, who would change themselves depending on who they were around. I think we all do this to a certain degree, but these people would just shamelessly change colors like chameleons, like each group or person they hung out with were guests at their party. I never understood that. I have never and i hope i will never feel the need to do cartwheels for people just to get their attention or win them over. I don't pretend to be nice to people i don't get along with, i don't pretend to be friends with people and then talk about them when they aren't around, at least not stuff i wouldn't say to their face. If i don't like the person you are, if i don't think you would positively contribute to my life, then i don't pretend that we'll be the best of friends. Not to say i don't have a ground level respect for you, because you're your own person too, and i can respect an individuals humanity. I personally feel that it's the better thing to do. I know so many people that talk endless shit about the people they're friends with, and i mean cruel, mean things. And i just don't understand it. There's already so much smoke and mirrors in the world, i will not add more to the illusions than i already might. I won't do that to you guys, this i can promise you.
I guess i'm just shitty at being a good people person, in the traditional sense of it. The only downside to this is that i don't have many friends. But the friends i do have are some of the greatest people i've met, in their own ways. I trust most of them. And i know that i don't have to put on a show for any of them, and i take comfort in that.
I take comfort in really, really simple things. I don't know if that's a natural part of getting older or if my standards have gotten lower, but i think it's the former because i don't feel that my tastes have changed that drastically. Yesterday i sat on the couch and watched one of the crappiest Lifetime Original Movies with my grandpa, and while i hate Lifetime movies, it stands out as one of the simplest acts that give me pleasure. The way he lays slumped in his la-z-boy, eating some kind of salty snack that usually ends up in crumbs on the floor. Or how he falls asleep at least three times during any movie and still understands what's going on. Sometimes i look over at him just to find him snoring lightly, and i think of all the years we've been doing this and how nothing in this house will ever feel the same when he's gone. It's a difficult thing because it isn't a straightforward kind of love, and he isn't an easy person to love. Right alongside with all these fun and happy memories are just as many of me dragging his passed out body off the floor or to his bed, slurred fights, wondering if we were going to make it home without crashing, and all these years of knowing he doesn't really show himself to anyone. And even more alarming to me, knowing that he is in no way some kind of hero. He's the anti-hero. He's a coward who has always run away from his problems and taken the easy way out of things; someone i never want to be like. It's hard to look at someone you value so much in your life and see them for who they are and not what you want to make them into in your head. And yet, it's not hard to love them, even with all that in mind. Maybe that's my most raw human side, but whatever it is, i'm grateful for it.
It's difficult being young and having only one person you look up to, then realizing when you're older that maybe you had it backwards or knew nothing about it at all. I remember i used to look up to my grandpa because he was the fun to counter attack my grandma's strictness. He was the one who'd sneak me candy or take me to a new merry-go-round he'd found, and my grandma did all the punishing. I see now that they were both equally important in my growing up, it was just easier for me to like grandpa because he appealed to my kiddish nature. That and my grandma is kind of a huge bitch. But i'll give credit where credit is due; she fed me and watched me when no one else would. It's a strange thing, not having either of your parents around and being brought up by your grandma who doesn't even speak most of your language. My moral compass was whatever was put in front of me. I'm grateful that this kind of upbringing gave me the tools and knowledge to become more of an independent person.
Today another traditional will happen here, and it may be the last of its kind. People come around and they change and they get married or have kids, and it's mostly unsettling because that stuff is never happening to me. As someone who never wants to have kids or get married, i'm never sure how to react to others' changes. I can't be completely happy for them because i feel like they're making some kind of mistake, or at least an unnecessary decision that will make their lives a lot harder. The only thing that makes any sense is to silently wish them luck.
I've been listening to a lot of Bon Iver lately. It feels like it's thawing out my insides and becoming a blanket. Not that i'm too frosty in there, in fact i'm happy these days. It's maybe the simplest form of pleasure for me, to just be happy and grateful that i have what i have. I feel like a lucky girl.
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